It is midterms around here, and my stress level has gone through the roof. I'm probably going to be sick in the next week or so: I can see it coming.

Also coming up is the finalization of my application to the Peace Corps. I'm waiting on one last recommendation letter, from the woman who has helped me change a lot in the last year, and who I will always admire; and after that all I have to do is the essays.

The essays. The hardest part. "Why do you want to be in the Peace Corps?" ...In order to answer this, it means I would have to know the answer.

It's not that I don't know, I guess. I mean, I know that I want to experience a culture completely different from my own (for more than five days), I know that I want to devote my time to helping people that aren't getting the same opportunities that I am because they were born in a different country, and I know that I believe in a lot of the ideals of the Peace Corps and the way that they are doing things...but is that enough?

It's not as if I just suddenly decided to apply for the Peace Corps. The idea has been running around in my brain for at least all of my college career, if not before that. I actually considered applying after I got my Associate's Degree, but I hadn't had enough experience with certain things to be eligible (which I found strange, though that is a completely different story).

Honestly? I'm terrified, and maybe that is why I can't seem to put these essay answers together. I'm afraid that they will tell me no, that if I do get accepted I'll freak out before I even leave, that if I don't freak out and I make it there I will hate wherever they send me. I do this with everything - I even did it with the Kenya trip. I over-analyze, over-think and freak myself out before anything has even happened, and while I can acknowledge that I'm doing it, that doesn't mean I stop doing it.

Maybe I'm not ready. I'm still learning a lot about myself, and at 21 I feel like I'm just getting to really know me. This year is the first year that I've actually felt like I'm where I am supposed to be since I don't even know when, and I'm scared to screw that up. Although, joining the Peace Corps could help me learn even more about myself.

This is not the time to be freaking out about this. I'll turn in the application and see where it goes, but I have got to focus on school. If I don't finish school, I can't go anywhere, so that's going to have to be my focus.

We'll see how long that lasts.

I think I know what I want, and for about five minutes at a time, I usually do.

I thought the trip to Kenya solidified my desire to be involved in Child and Maternal Health. It certainly solidified my interest in Womens Rights, particularly for those women that aren't lucky enough to have the kind of rights that I do. While I was sure that it also set my future in Midwifery in motion, I'm not so sure anymore.

This semester I am taking a class on Political Parties and Interest Groups in the United States, and this weekend I started reading a chapter on nominations and campaigns and how they affect parties. The part that got to me though was the campaigns. For a number of years I have been pretty sure that I want to be involved in politics in some way, and I think that campaigns is my way, but my problem is that I don't really know. I don't really know because I can't seem to determine where I want to go in life. It's pretty frustrating.

I'm sort of at a crossroads. I am supposed to graduate in the spring. I need to decide where I am going next, but I can't make up my mind. I know that I don't want to go right in to grad school, but where do I go instead? Do I finish my application for the Peace Corps? Do I start applying for jobs? When do I start applying for jobs? The questions are endless and the decision seems so close. How do I determine which path I take next?