Nothing is perfect. The girl that had the perfect fiance and got a job right out of college can no longer get up in the morning. His addictions are back, her pregnancy was earlier than planned; their parents are getting divorced. A best friend and an uncle die in the same month - both deaths by suicide. A brother gets cancer, a sister gets kicked out of the house; a student loan falls through. Nothing is perfect.
But everything is worth it. Amaretto Sours and Gin & Tonics, telling secrets; smoking cigarettes. Whispered sarcasm, pregnancy jokes; overwhelming baby stores. Solid memories, tears drowned in worn and soft sweatshirts; relationships that change lives. Drinking too much, sleeping too little; living too hard. Everything is worth it.
---
For a long time, I couldn't remember what happy felt like. Was it when you laughed? When the tears finally stopped? When you managed a fake smile? For years I pretended. I pretended that I was okay, that I found things funny; that I knew how to smile. I hated laughter because it felt fake. I tried to find things to numb a pain I didn't understand.
Then one day a redhead hugged me. A brunette cared when I was sad. A boy danced around in bare feet. People wanted to be my friend - to see me smile, hear me laugh. Help me succeed and watch me surpass their expectations. The grass got greener; the flowers more yellow - everything lost its grey tint.
Coffee tasted good. Country music made me smile. I could get out of bed in the morning.
I always assumed that I was the way that I was because I wasn't strong enough to fix myself. And then the people walked in to my life that were supposed to be there - the ones that taught me that I was strong enough, and that I didn't have to do everything alone. The redhead. The brunette. The barefooted boy. The curly-haired best friend.
It remains that nothing is perfect. But all of a sudden every imperfection, every tear and ache of sadness is devastatingly worth it.
7.28.2010
7.03.2010
celebrating women in music.
Thursday night, while I was in some training for work, I got several calls and text messages from my mother and sister, which I didn't get until well after I was out of training. They had access to some extra tickets to Lilith Fair at the Ampitheater, and wanted to know if I wanted them.
Uh yeah, I wanted them and, thankfully, I ended up with them. Audrey and I left work around 1:30 yesterday, drove the 10 minutes to the Ampitheater and joined thousands of other Portland/Vancouver natives for a music festival celebrating women - one that hasn't toured since 1999.
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals was definitely one of my favorite opening acts, and being able to wander the booths and gather free things was fun as well (I won a yoga mat!), but things got amazing once the "bigger names" started. Colbie Caillat and Erykah Badu were both gorgeous singers.
I have to tell you, though, my favorite part of the evening was when Sheryl Crow played, followed immediately by Sugarland. Sheryl Crow completely rocked it, and I couldn't believe I was seeing her in concert. SO COOL.
Audrey and I managed to move several rows up for Sugarland, and I stood the entire time, singing every song. Audrey hadn't ever heard them, but loved them by the end of their set, and I wish they had been able to play longer. I didn't want it to end. Ever.
Sarah McLachlan played last, and was gorgeous, but we left early to beat the traffic out of there. Audrey had to head home to Oak Harbor after the concert, so when we rolled up to my house around 11, she was itching to get on the road. She would have gotten on the road faster, but when I was coming around the second to last corner you turn before getting to my house, I ran the stop sign. There was no one around, and I nearly pulled a California stop, but instead just rolled right through it. Just as I was doing it, another car came down the hill, but I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of it until I had pulled up next to the house, turned off the car, and another vehicle pulled up behind us and turned on their lights. That car coming down the hill? Was a cop.
Thankfully, he was really nice. He didn't give me a ticket, which he should have since I completely skipped the stop sign, and admitted it. He also probably should have given me a ticket since I was driving Audrey's car and she couldn't find her insurance card. And the address on my license is not the same as the address where I live - I just haven't changed it yet. But, Dad came out to the driveway to see what was going on, and I was really nice and apologetic, and I've never been pulled over or anything before, so he completely gave me a break. No warning, nothing. Thank god.
The day was eventful, to say the least. I loved every second of it. Well, maybe not the cop part.
Edit: I can't believe I forgot this! While standing in line at one of the booths (the same one where I won the yoga mat, actually), the woman behind Audrey and I pointed at Audrey's starbucks cup (one of those new plastic ones for iced drinks), which has a sticker from our campus on it. Our university's environmental slogan: "Be Crimson. Go Green." Audrey sat on the Environmental Task Force on our campus last year, but beyond that it is one of mine and Audrey's favorite things about being Cougars. The slogan has so much oomph to it - we hand out the stickers as much as possible.
So this woman, she points it out to her friends and smiles. We figure they're alumni and they really like it, but then she says, "We helped create that slogan."
WHAT. Audrey and I both freak out (mine was a little more inwardly, Audrey's quite visible) and start to talk madly. Audrey recounts handing them out while she was in Albany last semester, I tell them that we each have piles and piles of the stickers - we put them on all of our new notebooks and are proud to be Cougs partially because of the slogan. They are thrilled, particularly that Audrey used the sticker to cover up the Starbucks logo ("Because 'Be Crimson. Go Green.' is far more important than 'Starbucks'." Audrey tells them.) and are still standing with Audrey and talking to her about it when I win the yoga mat. They were kind, funny - I wish I had asked if they were alumni (I assume that they are, but they might not be) or how they got involved with the project, but I didn't. We walked away, still freaking out about meeting them (okay, truth - I was more focused on the yoga mat), and stopped halfway to where we were going so that I could text Michelle about them ("Are they as cool as the slogan!?!" "Cooler!"). It was definitely one of the highlights, and yet another moment that makes me proud to be a Coug.
Uh yeah, I wanted them and, thankfully, I ended up with them. Audrey and I left work around 1:30 yesterday, drove the 10 minutes to the Ampitheater and joined thousands of other Portland/Vancouver natives for a music festival celebrating women - one that hasn't toured since 1999.
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals was definitely one of my favorite opening acts, and being able to wander the booths and gather free things was fun as well (I won a yoga mat!), but things got amazing once the "bigger names" started. Colbie Caillat and Erykah Badu were both gorgeous singers.
I have to tell you, though, my favorite part of the evening was when Sheryl Crow played, followed immediately by Sugarland. Sheryl Crow completely rocked it, and I couldn't believe I was seeing her in concert. SO COOL.
Audrey and I managed to move several rows up for Sugarland, and I stood the entire time, singing every song. Audrey hadn't ever heard them, but loved them by the end of their set, and I wish they had been able to play longer. I didn't want it to end. Ever.
Sarah McLachlan played last, and was gorgeous, but we left early to beat the traffic out of there. Audrey had to head home to Oak Harbor after the concert, so when we rolled up to my house around 11, she was itching to get on the road. She would have gotten on the road faster, but when I was coming around the second to last corner you turn before getting to my house, I ran the stop sign. There was no one around, and I nearly pulled a California stop, but instead just rolled right through it. Just as I was doing it, another car came down the hill, but I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of it until I had pulled up next to the house, turned off the car, and another vehicle pulled up behind us and turned on their lights. That car coming down the hill? Was a cop.
Thankfully, he was really nice. He didn't give me a ticket, which he should have since I completely skipped the stop sign, and admitted it. He also probably should have given me a ticket since I was driving Audrey's car and she couldn't find her insurance card. And the address on my license is not the same as the address where I live - I just haven't changed it yet. But, Dad came out to the driveway to see what was going on, and I was really nice and apologetic, and I've never been pulled over or anything before, so he completely gave me a break. No warning, nothing. Thank god.
The day was eventful, to say the least. I loved every second of it. Well, maybe not the cop part.
Edit: I can't believe I forgot this! While standing in line at one of the booths (the same one where I won the yoga mat, actually), the woman behind Audrey and I pointed at Audrey's starbucks cup (one of those new plastic ones for iced drinks), which has a sticker from our campus on it. Our university's environmental slogan: "Be Crimson. Go Green." Audrey sat on the Environmental Task Force on our campus last year, but beyond that it is one of mine and Audrey's favorite things about being Cougars. The slogan has so much oomph to it - we hand out the stickers as much as possible.
So this woman, she points it out to her friends and smiles. We figure they're alumni and they really like it, but then she says, "We helped create that slogan."
WHAT. Audrey and I both freak out (mine was a little more inwardly, Audrey's quite visible) and start to talk madly. Audrey recounts handing them out while she was in Albany last semester, I tell them that we each have piles and piles of the stickers - we put them on all of our new notebooks and are proud to be Cougs partially because of the slogan. They are thrilled, particularly that Audrey used the sticker to cover up the Starbucks logo ("Because 'Be Crimson. Go Green.' is far more important than 'Starbucks'." Audrey tells them.) and are still standing with Audrey and talking to her about it when I win the yoga mat. They were kind, funny - I wish I had asked if they were alumni (I assume that they are, but they might not be) or how they got involved with the project, but I didn't. We walked away, still freaking out about meeting them (okay, truth - I was more focused on the yoga mat), and stopped halfway to where we were going so that I could text Michelle about them ("Are they as cool as the slogan!?!" "Cooler!"). It was definitely one of the highlights, and yet another moment that makes me proud to be a Coug.
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