staying organized.

I am terrible at keeping up on this blog. It is probably largely because I don't think anyone reads it, but that's not why I started it, so that isn't why I should avoid updating it. As a writer, I need to keep working on my words and sentences, whether or not anyone reads it.

My internship is still as wonderful as it was when I first started. I feel like I learn something every day, and I know that is only going to become more true as the year goes on. My boss, mentor, whatever you want to call her, is pregnant, and will be taking her leave just as the biggest month of the school year hits us (March). I'm going to be in charge of more than I was anticipating, and while I was definitely nervous about it at first, I know that I can handle it by the time March rolls around. It is honestly just a matter of making sure that I'm organized.

I need to get on that organization now, though. School starts in two weeks. At some point in the next month Audrey and I will hopefully be moving in to an apartment. (One that we still have to find, but that is sort of beyond the point.) I have a lot of things on my plate this semester, and next, and I better be organized or I'm in danger of falling on my face. And as much as I would like to tell myself that it won't happen, because I can handle it, I better be prepared for all scenarios.

Transfer Orientation #1 is this week, and Freshmen Orientation and Transfer Orientation #2 are next week, and I can't wait. I'm so excited to have our new students on campus!

I might be nervous and scared about this year still, but I am also extremely excited for it. I have a feeling that it is going to change my life.

Oh! Remember that one student that came in to our office on the first day of Advising/Registration? She is now a student senator! People that get involved that immediately are such studs.

imperfectly worth it.

Nothing is perfect. The girl that had the perfect fiance and got a job right out of college can no longer get up in the morning. His addictions are back, her pregnancy was earlier than planned; their parents are getting divorced. A best friend and an uncle die in the same month - both deaths by suicide. A brother gets cancer, a sister gets kicked out of the house; a student loan falls through. Nothing is perfect.

But everything is worth it. Amaretto Sours and Gin & Tonics, telling secrets; smoking cigarettes. Whispered sarcasm, pregnancy jokes; overwhelming baby stores. Solid memories, tears drowned in worn and soft sweatshirts; relationships that change lives. Drinking too much, sleeping too little; living too hard. Everything is worth it.

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For a long time, I couldn't remember what happy felt like. Was it when you laughed? When the tears finally stopped? When you managed a fake smile? For years I pretended. I pretended that I was okay, that I found things funny; that I knew how to smile. I hated laughter because it felt fake. I tried to find things to numb a pain I didn't understand.

Then one day a redhead hugged me. A brunette cared when I was sad. A boy danced around in bare feet. People wanted to be my friend - to see me smile, hear me laugh. Help me succeed and watch me surpass their expectations. The grass got greener; the flowers more yellow - everything lost its grey tint.

Coffee tasted good. Country music made me smile. I could get out of bed in the morning.

I always assumed that I was the way that I was because I wasn't strong enough to fix myself. And then the people walked in to my life that were supposed to be there - the ones that taught me that I was strong enough, and that I didn't have to do everything alone. The redhead. The brunette. The barefooted boy. The curly-haired best friend.

It remains that nothing is perfect. But all of a sudden every imperfection, every tear and ache of sadness is devastatingly worth it.

celebrating women in music.

Thursday night, while I was in some training for work, I got several calls and text messages from my mother and sister, which I didn't get until well after I was out of training. They had access to some extra tickets to Lilith Fair at the Ampitheater, and wanted to know if I wanted them.

Uh yeah, I wanted them and, thankfully, I ended up with them. Audrey and I left work around 1:30 yesterday, drove the 10 minutes to the Ampitheater and joined thousands of other Portland/Vancouver natives for a music festival celebrating women - one that hasn't toured since 1999.

Grace Potter and the Nocturnals was definitely one of my favorite opening acts, and being able to wander the booths and gather free things was fun as well (I won a yoga mat!), but things got amazing once the "bigger names" started. Colbie Caillat and Erykah Badu were both gorgeous singers.

I have to tell you, though, my favorite part of the evening was when Sheryl Crow played, followed immediately by Sugarland. Sheryl Crow completely rocked it, and I couldn't believe I was seeing her in concert. SO COOL.

Audrey and I managed to move several rows up for Sugarland, and I stood the entire time, singing every song. Audrey hadn't ever heard them, but loved them by the end of their set, and I wish they had been able to play longer. I didn't want it to end. Ever.

Sarah McLachlan played last, and was gorgeous, but we left early to beat the traffic out of there. Audrey had to head home to Oak Harbor after the concert, so when we rolled up to my house around 11, she was itching to get on the road. She would have gotten on the road faster, but when I was coming around the second to last corner you turn before getting to my house, I ran the stop sign. There was no one around, and I nearly pulled a California stop, but instead just rolled right through it. Just as I was doing it, another car came down the hill, but I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of it until I had pulled up next to the house, turned off the car, and another vehicle pulled up behind us and turned on their lights. That car coming down the hill? Was a cop.

Thankfully, he was really nice. He didn't give me a ticket, which he should have since I completely skipped the stop sign, and admitted it. He also probably should have given me a ticket since I was driving Audrey's car and she couldn't find her insurance card. And the address on my license is not the same as the address where I live - I just haven't changed it yet. But, Dad came out to the driveway to see what was going on, and I was really nice and apologetic, and I've never been pulled over or anything before, so he completely gave me a break. No warning, nothing. Thank god.

The day was eventful, to say the least. I loved every second of it. Well, maybe not the cop part.

Edit: I can't believe I forgot this! While standing in line at one of the booths (the same one where I won the yoga mat, actually), the woman behind Audrey and I pointed at Audrey's starbucks cup (one of those new plastic ones for iced drinks), which has a sticker from our campus on it. Our university's environmental slogan: "Be Crimson. Go Green." Audrey sat on the Environmental Task Force on our campus last year, but beyond that it is one of mine and Audrey's favorite things about being Cougars. The slogan has so much oomph to it - we hand out the stickers as much as possible.

So this woman, she points it out to her friends and smiles. We figure they're alumni and they really like it, but then she says, "We helped create that slogan."

WHAT. Audrey and I both freak out (mine was a little more inwardly, Audrey's quite visible) and start to talk madly. Audrey recounts handing them out while she was in Albany last semester, I tell them that we each have piles and piles of the stickers - we put them on all of our new notebooks and are proud to be Cougs partially because of the slogan. They are thrilled, particularly that Audrey used the sticker to cover up the Starbucks logo ("Because 'Be Crimson. Go Green.' is far more important than 'Starbucks'." Audrey tells them.) and are still standing with Audrey and talking to her about it when I win the yoga mat. They were kind, funny -  I wish I had asked if they were alumni (I assume that they are, but they might not be) or how they got involved with the project, but I didn't. We walked away, still freaking out about meeting them (okay, truth - I was more focused on the yoga mat), and stopped halfway to where we were going so that I could text Michelle about them ("Are they as cool as the slogan!?!" "Cooler!"). It was definitely one of the highlights, and yet another moment that makes me proud to be a Coug.

can we talk about how much i love orientation?

Let's.

Understand, I'm no Ambassador, no orientation leader that leads soon-to-be freshmen from session to session, playing ice breaker games and entertaining them. I'm certainly no session leader, who gets the students (or their parents) engaged enough to be excited about school in the fall. My role is almost entirely behind the scenes, and the only people I meet (or at least met today, at our first Advising/Registration session) were parents and the one student who was so excited about involvement that she came in to the office even though it wasn't on their schedule, but I love orientation.

I love it.

I love everything from stuffing folders to printing name tags to putting together signs for the Ambassadors. I love running errands, setting up lunch, sitting down in the office for five minutes just to jump up and run across campus, and I really, really love tabling. I love tabling so much.

"Hi! How was your tour?....Oh, I'm so glad. Well, we are the Office of Student Involvement, and we house all kinds of things. There are over 45 clubs on campus, and we work largely with them, but also do a lot of leadership programming and put on some great events. Plus, our recreation department is housed within our office, and they have intramural sports, all kinds of trips, and even run the fitness center, which is currently being remodeled but will be open in the fall."

AHH. I have never loved anything so much as I love tabling. I have tabled a lot, especially while I worked for ONE, but also while I was with our student government, and it just keeps getting better. You make that connection ("Oh, your student likes paintball? Our rec office does a paintball trip every year, and if he can find four other students and an advisor, he could start a paintball club.") and just chat with them. Most people will take something if you connect, and while I prefer to talk to students, parents are just as fun.

I felt so accomplished today. And I don't even know where my day went, which is a great feeling when it is because you have been doing so much. This whole week has been absolutely amazing. Busy, nerve-wracking, but amazing. I can't wait for the next Advising/Registration session, and I really can't wait for Orientation in August.

This entire internship is so perfect for me. I love every. single. second. I love my relationship with my boss, with the intern that I share a desk with, with the other staff in the office. I love what I am getting to do; the meetings that I get to be part of, the events that I am going to be putting on. I am on such a high from orientation today - is this what it is going to be like all year? God, I hope so.

amazing.

It has been just over a week since I started my job, and I am SO IN LOVE. (Also it feels like I have been in this position forever. Has it really only been a week?)

I spent a large portion of that first week being really quiet; absorbing everything. The last three days, while hectic, have been probably the best so far.

Wednesday was my first one-on-one with my boss. I already love Michelle a lot, so I'm thrilled with the opportunity to be working for her. It was fun for me to be able to go through all of the things that I have been working on and hear "great," followed by advice on how to proceed. So far I think I'm doing good, but you would have to ask her I guess.

Thursday we were supposed to be in a meeting, but it unexpectedly got cancelled, so Michelle, our program coordinator, Rachel, and I colored for thirty minutes.

...Yeah, you totally read that correctly. I'm one of the founding members of the Coloring Club on our campus, so we already had all of the supplies, and the three of us sat down in the conference room and colored large Disney coloring pages and talked about ridiculous things. While the rest of the day was pretty low-key, I was pretty thrilled by that portion of my day.

Yesterday I finished a couple of projects, and then Rachel and I went to the end of the year party for the Garden Club on campus. Pizza, soda, cake, and plenty of flowers. I won the raffle for one of the hanging plants, but couldn't take it home on the bus, so gave it to Rachel. She picked out some gorgeous yellow flowers...I have no idea what they were, but they were pretty. And I snagged a plant for myself and some snap dragons for Michelle, who pulled one of the flowers off and started snapping it at me when I gave them to her. (I work for the biggest dork.)

While work has been hectic and interesting this week, next week is going to be my real test. Starting Tuesday, Michelle is in training with our ambassadors for three days, immediately followed by the first session of our orientation program, ROAR. Friday is the day that the freshmen participate in advising and registration, and it is also the first time they will meet the ambassadors and really get to know the campus. ROAR is a big deal, and there are a lot of things that I am being put in charge of because Michelle and her co-advisor for the ambassadors, Nelson, will be in training all day Tuesday-Thursday, and they are also in charge of prep for ROAR. So parts of it fall to me. It is scary, but I'm excited also.

This weekend, though, is crazy as well. Last night my sister Maggie graduated from high school, today I'm cleaning and my best friend Audrey will be arriving for the weekend, tomorrow Audrey and I are looking at apartments and I have a baccalaureate for my sister Victoria and a grad party for Maggie. Then Monday Audrey and I will be looking at more apartments, I've got meetings to attend about ROAR, and then Victoria graduates from high school. Crazy weekend immediately followed by a crazy week, but it's going to be totally worth it. Maybe I'll even go to work on Tuesday morning having signed a lease for an apartment!

Pretty much my life is amazing right now.  It's like I finally hit the jackpot. :)

and so it begins.

Wednesday was the day that I actually started work. I spent the day researching Emerging Leader's Retreats and Programs at other universities. It was a day of phone calls and emails, printing agendas and other documents to read over later. I spent the next couple of days doing the same thing, adding in a few other projects here and there. I organized the desk, made more phone calls, looked through photos....and I loved every second of it.

Nose to the grindstone, I was quiet, enjoying myself. It sounds a little silly, I guess, but I liked it. I felt productive, like I was doing something important.

Oh, I know it sounds ridiculous. This has barely started, but I...well, I guess I don't care how silly it sounds. I've waited all semester for this position. I would work all day every day if I could, but I suppose I should save the work for my office hours. My boss can only come up with so many projects.

It's hard to imagine what the internship will look like in a few months. Busier, I'm sure. More to do. I'm still nervous about the big projects; there are going to be a lot of people watching me. I guess it's just a matter of having a little faith.

Nervous or not, I already love what I'm doing. I've got two big meetings next week, several projects to work on, and on top of everything else, my best friend and soon to be roommate will finally be returning to Vancouver from Albany, New York this week. We'll be looking at apartments when I'm not working, and hopefully we'll find a great one.

This summer, the internship, the next year; they're all going to be great. And everything is finally starting.

That thrilling terror.

Have you ever been both scared and excited at the same time? Have you ever imagined yourself succeeding and failing; pictured your boss' expression when both proud of and disappointed in you?

It is this terrible frenzy of emotions that is taking over my thoughts at the moment. The semester is over and turned out fine (except for that class I have to retake), and I got rave reviews from all of the people that I worked with on my last internship. Not to mention, on May 4, I was offered, and accepted, the Programming Internship in our Office of Student Involvement.

Excitement. Terror. The thought that I can do it. The thought that I can't. The unfulfillable desire to ask why; why did you hire me? Why did you hire me? Why did you hire me, knowing everything that you do?

I pestered and pestered to start my job. Part of it was because I was excited. I am excited. But part of it was also because I knew that the longer I had to wait, the more I would convince myself that I was going to screw up; that I was going to do something wrong or be unable to fulfill the duties of a position that I have coveted for months.

My boss has been out of town for the last week, which has pushed my start back further than what we discussed in the interview. That's fine, I would much rather her be in town when I start. I think.

Tuesday is the day. I will be sitting down with the two other interns and our boss to talk about the Office of Student Involvement, what we will each be working on, how we will work together; the big picture. And then I will be starting, most likely the next day. I have already sat down with my boss and the previous intern. I know what the job requires. Now it's just a matter of determining whether or not I know what the hell I'm doing.

I've never been this scared to start something. Or this excited.