Remember, remember the fifth of November.

I suppose the title is a little wrong, since it is technically the sixth, but the premise is there. I will always remember the fifth of November.

I have been having a tough time the last couple of weeks. I am scared because I don't know where my life is going, despite the fact that I seem to make a future decision every week. I have been challenged to step outside of my comfort zone, and it's not that I don't want to, but...I don't want to.

I was told today that I remind someone of themselves when they were in college. It was an eye-opening statement...you mean that I could someday be who you are? I could someday be the one that people admire and wish to be?

My belief in myself fluctuates. It is a combination of past and present things that have made me who I am, and it is something that I need to get past. I have potential. I can be something; someone amazing. It is not that I don't know this - I just don't believe it very often.

At this point it might be best for me to put off the discussion of what I will be doing and instead focus on who I will become. If I believe in me, the decision will fall in to my lap.

Good people.

I ended up talking to Tyler on Thursday, followed by a coffee date on Friday with Michelle, the woman I consider my mentor and who is quite possibly one of the greatest women to grace this planet. They were two different conversations, but both of them made me feel as if I was worth a thousand gold coins. That probably sounds ridiculous, but sometimes you need someone else to make you feel that way, you know? Well, at least I do.

My conversation with Tyler focused on Campaigns. Tyler was once on a Presidential Campaign and then worked for that person's administration, and now works for an interest campaign in their event department. I'm about 70% sure I want to do exactly what he does, so we talked about it. Talking with him is always great, and he said a couple of things that made me feel pretty great about myself. He told me I was intelligent and could do anything that I set my mind to, and then gave me a couple of tips on how to start on that. I hung up the phone beaming, because knowing that there is someone out there that just spent a few days with me and saw my potential and is willing to vouch for it made me feel pretty great.

Coffee with Michelle on Friday was about as fantastic as any conversation that I have with her. The woman is gorgeous, personality wise and if you just look at her face, and being able to sit in Peet's and have a conversation with her without interruption was awesome. The hard thing about her being our advisor is that everyone wants to talk to her, so getting time to just have a conversation with her is pretty rare. We didn't talk about anything major, but I always come away from conversations with her feeling better than I did when I walked up to her. We're considering regular coffee dates, which could probably be the best thing ever. She did remind me that I still have trouble managing my time, and that reminder from her was kind of a kick in the pants. Starting Monday, I won't be spending nearly as much time in the Student Government Office as I usually do so that I can get more done.

Speaking of which, it is time for my stuffy-nosed self to turn on the lights, turn down the television and get some things done so that I can actually start using my time to get ahead, instead of playing catch up all the time.

I miss being there.

I've decided to postpone by Peace Corps application. Kenya was amazing, and I would love to go back, but I want to go back on trips like the one I was on. I don't know if I'm ready to live somewhere for 27 months.

Monday I'll be talking to Tyler, a friend who used to work for the Clinton Campaign and the Clinton Administration. He does what I want to do, and maybe he'll be able to help me sort things out a little.

It is midterms around here, and my stress level has gone through the roof. I'm probably going to be sick in the next week or so: I can see it coming.

Also coming up is the finalization of my application to the Peace Corps. I'm waiting on one last recommendation letter, from the woman who has helped me change a lot in the last year, and who I will always admire; and after that all I have to do is the essays.

The essays. The hardest part. "Why do you want to be in the Peace Corps?" ...In order to answer this, it means I would have to know the answer.

It's not that I don't know, I guess. I mean, I know that I want to experience a culture completely different from my own (for more than five days), I know that I want to devote my time to helping people that aren't getting the same opportunities that I am because they were born in a different country, and I know that I believe in a lot of the ideals of the Peace Corps and the way that they are doing things...but is that enough?

It's not as if I just suddenly decided to apply for the Peace Corps. The idea has been running around in my brain for at least all of my college career, if not before that. I actually considered applying after I got my Associate's Degree, but I hadn't had enough experience with certain things to be eligible (which I found strange, though that is a completely different story).

Honestly? I'm terrified, and maybe that is why I can't seem to put these essay answers together. I'm afraid that they will tell me no, that if I do get accepted I'll freak out before I even leave, that if I don't freak out and I make it there I will hate wherever they send me. I do this with everything - I even did it with the Kenya trip. I over-analyze, over-think and freak myself out before anything has even happened, and while I can acknowledge that I'm doing it, that doesn't mean I stop doing it.

Maybe I'm not ready. I'm still learning a lot about myself, and at 21 I feel like I'm just getting to really know me. This year is the first year that I've actually felt like I'm where I am supposed to be since I don't even know when, and I'm scared to screw that up. Although, joining the Peace Corps could help me learn even more about myself.

This is not the time to be freaking out about this. I'll turn in the application and see where it goes, but I have got to focus on school. If I don't finish school, I can't go anywhere, so that's going to have to be my focus.

We'll see how long that lasts.

I think I know what I want, and for about five minutes at a time, I usually do.

I thought the trip to Kenya solidified my desire to be involved in Child and Maternal Health. It certainly solidified my interest in Womens Rights, particularly for those women that aren't lucky enough to have the kind of rights that I do. While I was sure that it also set my future in Midwifery in motion, I'm not so sure anymore.

This semester I am taking a class on Political Parties and Interest Groups in the United States, and this weekend I started reading a chapter on nominations and campaigns and how they affect parties. The part that got to me though was the campaigns. For a number of years I have been pretty sure that I want to be involved in politics in some way, and I think that campaigns is my way, but my problem is that I don't really know. I don't really know because I can't seem to determine where I want to go in life. It's pretty frustrating.

I'm sort of at a crossroads. I am supposed to graduate in the spring. I need to decide where I am going next, but I can't make up my mind. I know that I don't want to go right in to grad school, but where do I go instead? Do I finish my application for the Peace Corps? Do I start applying for jobs? When do I start applying for jobs? The questions are endless and the decision seems so close. How do I determine which path I take next?