Nook and cranny.

Welcome to my weekend. I should be doing homework, but Mason brought my computer over yesterday, and I've been playing with it since. Somewhere in the transfer from computer to computer, I lost about 400 songs, so I'm not real thrilled about that, but it will give me a chance to get to know my iTunes library again, I suppose. And that could be fun.

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from my friend Nicholas, who asked me to be his homework buddy around six. I agreed, for a number of reasons, but mostly because I knew that if I didn't go somewhere and do homework I would spend the evening watching movies - a complete waste of my time and energy, though fun.

When Nicholas picked me up I had no idea where we were going, and sometimes I think he does that to me on purpose. "Somewhere in Portland," he told me when I asked on the phone. This is not actually a legitimate answer, but I accepted it. I trust him.

We arrived at a place called "Coffee Time," on 21st and Irving just outside of the Pearl District. (Side note: Portland is amazing. One day I will live there.) It looks like a hole in the wall; smaller than a Starbucks from the outside, but inside...the further back you walk, the larger it gets. There were at least 50 people in this place, half of them playing chess. Nicholas and I found a nook and settled down for a spell; his apple cider dictating the smell of our space and my keyboard the sound.

The characters in Portland are always to die for, and this was no exception. Some people spend their time in Coffee Time painting, others studying, some selling their wares. Portland is eccentric and beautiful; a place like no other. At this point in my life, though I once desired to move to New York, I have no desire further than to reside somewhere in Portland. If you've never been - you're missing out.

Today I'll get back to the homework. I have a to-do list a page long that I've barely started on, and hopefully I'll be able to accomplish some of it. I wish I owned my own vehicle, though. I'd be back in that nook, absorbing the character of the city with my studies.

"He has less coping skills than I, and I barely have any." "I think that is a fair assessment."

The idea, of course, was to post daily, but I arrived home last night just before midnight and found it more beneficial to shed my clothes and crawl in to bed. Although now I've only got a few minutes before I have to leave the house.

My coffee date with Michelle turned in to a two-hour lunch, part of which we were joined by my friend Nicole for. It was quite possibly the greatest two hours of my last two weeks. We talked about nearly everything. Talking with Michelle is always amazing, of course, but I don't think we've ever just sat there for two hours. I think it was something we both needed.

This weekend I have to write five poems. As much as I'm excited about this Creative Writing class, I am also nervous. Sure, part of it is that I want people to like me and like my writing, but I also am nervous that I won't even like it. Katherine, my professor, has insisted that we stop thinking like that, but I find it to be easier said than done. And also, what is the difference between a poem and prose? I never really have known.

I suppose I should go. I've got a to-do list of things to do today, hopefully ending with sitting in a dark theater watching Legion. I actually am not a big fan of sci-fi movies, but my favourite actress is in it, so we'll see.

"I'm here for coffee if you need." "Yes please."

I hate secrets.

Alright, well that is only partially true. I hate having to keep secrets. I love learning them, and I love spilling them, but don't ask me to keep one, it won't happen.

Case in point: I accidentally learned something about a dear friend today (it is a very exciting and adorable secret, but it was not supposed to be told and sort of just blurted out of someone's mouth) and, uh, told. Not many people, just.....six. Two of whom do not live here. So, don't tell me secrets. Or at least don't tell me exciting ones.

In other news, I purchased my new computer this morning, and then lugged it to the school to put it in the very capable hands of my friend Mason, who is a computer guru. He has offered to clean it up and install new programs for me. I'm itching to get my hands on it, but I have a feeling the wait will be completely worth it. Also, I've heard glorious things about Windows 7, so I can't wait to play with that.

Michelle and I made a coffee date for tomorrow, which I desperately need. I don't even know that we'll talk about anything of importance; I just need to spend time with a good friend.

Nothing really happened today. It was a series of mundane and overly exciting events, and ended with a walk home that re-energised me. (That is the nice thing about having night classes - the bus that drops me close to my house doesn't run after six, so I get a good mile walk in at the end of each day.) I have to draft a project for my Creative Writing class, and I've been putting it off because I have no idea what to do, so I guess I'll finally get down to that. This weekend I really need to buckle down and figure out how to manage my time, or I'm not going to succeed at anything this semester.

The power of opening up.

Today was a pretty tough day for me.

Somewhere along the way, I learned or determined that it would be a good idea to stuff my feelings in to my stomach. I've been doing it for years, and it usually occurs the same way. Something happens that affects me or hurts me, and instead of dealing with it then, I pretend like it didn't happen, or that I wasn't hurt. And I keep pretending - I pretend until one day, my body can't take it any more, and then I cry violent tears and hide in my writing or my books for a couple of days, and then I'm fine. Until the next thing.

You see, last semester I spent nearly every day with two very special, very important people. One of them is spending this semester interning for the New York State Legislature in Albany, NY, and the other is taking the semester off to take care of family. And while they should be doing these things, and I am proud of them and worried for them, I hate them. I hate them because they are all the way across the country, or unreachable via phone, and I can't do anything about it. So I hate them, even though I don't.

I've been pretending that I'm fine for a week or so now, and today I just - hit the breaking point. I don't feel like I can go in to Michelle's office (for complex me-related reasons), and I don't feel like I have anyone else. I ended up talking to a friend, but we disagree on the way to deal with things, so it didn't really help. So instead I caved and called my Dad to come pick me up when I was half-way home on the bus - I just didn't want to be alone any more.

We talked for a while, and it helped. I'm not completely better, but I do feel better now than I did a few hours ago. And I'm promising myself - and putting it in writing - that this won't be happening any more. I will talk about things instead, because I'm tired of feeling like this. So I'm making that change this semester too - be more open when things aren't okay. And stop feeling like people are going to run away from me when I tell them that I'm not okay. Because they aren't. You should meet the people that love me - they are the most amazing people on the planet. And why I haven't felt comfortable opening up to them, well...it's beyond me.

Day Two - on a roll.

My hetero-lifemate Audrey Anna Miller has started her very own blog to document what she is doing in Albany, and I am gloriously excited. I think the only issue will be whether or not she actually remembers to update it.

Today was Martin Luther King Jr's birthday, and the day we honour him here in the United States, and two things happened. First, we held a celebration on my campus where a number of people gathered to serve in his honour, and second, the Social and Environmental Justice Club on my campus crossed a line. It was an interesting experience.

You see, we learned late last week that the Southwest Washington Regional SWAT Team would be training in one of the buildings on our campus - today. Apparently this was some kind of problem. The professors, staff and graduate students whose offices occupy this particular building were asked not to be present today because of the training, and apparently this caused an uproar. The idea was for the Southwest Washington Regional SWAT to use today to be prepared in case of any Virginia Tech-type events on our campus, and some of the students and staff on campus found today to be an inappropriate day because of Martin Luther King's "commitment to nonviolent social change." (In case you missed it - this training had nothing to do with social change.)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't students and staff on campus be happy that the Southwest Washington Regional SWAT wants to be prepared in case of an emergency? Our campus is small - ten buildings in total, all within what could be considered a three block radius (if we were in the city). It's not like we are on the Pullman campus, where if a shooting were to happen on the West side of campus and you were on the East side, you would be pretty safe - THERE IS ONLY ONE SIDE TO OUR CAMPUS. Bullets go far, thanks for noticing, and I would prefer that the Southwest Washington Regional SWAT be able to navigate our campus and our buildings properly in the event of an emergency.

All of this aside, I respect your right to hold a "Work-In" in the building that you were asked to stay out of today. Do what you want, that's fine. If you don't like it - okay. Here's what I'm not okay with, though - the Social & Environmental Justice Club walking in to our Martin Luther King Jr Event and making this ridiculous non-issue in to an issue. Because here is the thing, everyone. Who was more disruptive to us honouring Dr. King - the SWAT team that most people in the room didn't know or care about, or those of you wandering around handing out slips of paper marked "For Distribution: WSUV Students and Faculty Occupy Building to Protest MLK Day SWAT Training?" IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: I'm pretty sure it is the latter.

Here is what was written on the handout:

We the student and faculty members of the Center for Social and Environmental Justice and Social and Environmental Justice Club on the campus of Washington State University Vancouver are now meeting in our building of work and learning. We are here today as a direct response to the police, sherrif and SWAT training that has been scheduled to occur in our building concurrent with the campus' prescheduled Martin Luther King Day events happening elsewhere on campus. Campus police have "requested" that we vacate the building in order to accomodate this training, ostensibly designed to prepare law enforcement to respond to a Virginia Tech type tragedy. We feel that this training is in direct opposition to the strategies and philosophy of Martin Luther King. We know that if he were here with us today Martin Luther King would challenge the claim that this type of militaristic civil drill is an effective avenue for addressing acts of violence. A far more pragmatic and effective response - and certainly more consonant with MLK's commitment to nonviolent social change would be to invest in a fully funded community mental health care system and to challenge the progressive militarism of civil society in the United States. One of our colleagues with us today is alum of Virginia Tech and completely opposes this training. Our intention is to remain throughout the day in the building to teach, study and reflect on the revolutionary message of peace, justice, and nonviolent avenues for effecting social change.

ARE you serious. First of all, the SWAT team had no plans to disrupt our event, and were just trying to be prepared. Second, if you want to "invest in a fully funded community mental health care system and to challenge the progressive militarism of civil society in the United States" that is fantastic - do that too. But that isn't going to happen tomorrow, and until we are able to get there, let's have our SWAT team ready in case of an emergency, shall we?

Sigh. Let's move to a brighter note. I met a boy today. His name is Dillon, and he is four. He likes coloring, though he prefers markers to crayons, and likes cutting construction paper in to tiny pieces that I have to pick up when he is gone. He lives at the Share House with his two sisters and his parents, and he is precocious. Loved hanging with him.

I suppose I should really get on that homework. I do have class tomorrow.

Today Begins My Daily Blogging.

A friend reminded me on Thursday that the best way to clear your head and get through busy times is to write things down. In honor of this, I'm going to try my very hardest to blog every day. I'm already doing a photo project where I take a picture each day to document my year; I might as well write to go with it. (For interested parties, the link to my photo blog is on the right hand side of the page, under "365 Days of Photography.")

Earlier today, while watching Julie & Julia, I thought that maybe I needed a goal. A tangible one. I mean, I have "Get good grades," "don't screw up your internship," and "don't waste time," but I thought that I should have something tangible. Finish something, write a novel; keep a blog - I didn't know, but I was damn sure I needed one.

And then I realized that those goals are probably enough. That maybe it was enough to work on bringing my GPA up to a 2.75, and to make sure that I made it through the Student Affairs Internship without embarrassing myself - maybe they are enough.

I've always expected too much of myself. "Too much" might be the wrong phrase. I have high standards for myself, and when I don't meet those standards I feel as if I have failed. And yet, most of the time there really is success in there somewhere. I don't want to lower my standards - I appreciate that in most aspects of my life my standards are high. I just wish I could learn to see the successes when I get to the end and haven't reached that highest of standards.

I decided to think about this semester and my current goals before trying to set a new one. So, in honor of full disclosure:

• Classes:
• Succeed (and by this I mean get at least a 'C,' if not much higher) in "Leadership Skills for the Public Sector," a Political Science class that I took my first semester at WSU-Vancouver and had to drop out of;
• Bring my GPA up to a 2.75 so that I can be certified as a Public Affairs Major;
• Be proud of each and every paper that I write (and there are a number of them).
• Internship:
• Be ahead of the game. This means:
• Be finished with the readings each member of the SA Management Team has given me before I go in to their office;
• Have questions prepared for each interview that I do.
• Plan my time accordingly, particularly when it comes to Recruitment and Retention programs that I will be involved in;
• Ask for help
• Remember that this in an internship and it is okay to still be learning;
• Remember that, though I am learning, I am working with professionals, and asking for help is better than wasting their time.
• Student Government:
• Fulfill my job duties:
• Three office hours a week;
• Senate meeting minutes mailed out on time;
• Sponsor bills and by-law amendments.
• Attend one ASWSUV Event per month.
• The ONE Campaign
• Event focused on Women in Poverty;
• Finish out the year strong with the Campus Challenge.
• Campaigning
• Properly delegate to my team;
• Make sure the candidates communicate exactly what they want to the Student Body;
• WIN.

On top of all of this, I don't think I could take another goal. It's good for me to recognize this, though my inner overachiever is telling me to take on one more thing. I won't though, except for this:

• Remembrance:
• One photograph a day
• One line a day in the "One Line A Day" Journal I received from Michelle for Christmas
• One blog per day
• One letter to Audrey per week

These items of remembrance will help me to document this semester, and my life - I'm tired of not remembering the good things and only focusing on the bad. It has hindered my growth as an adult, and I'm ready to let myself grow.

Hopefully I will finally be able to use this blog the way that I wanted to - as a way for me to look back on my time at WSU-Vancouver and as a young adult and see that I have succeeded - even if I missed one or two of the "high standard" goals.

New Beginnings.

It has been months since I've posted here. My semester turned in to the craziest three months of my life, and also the most amazing. I'm now just a few days away from a Spring Semester that holds an internship specifically designed for me, as well as four classes I'm so thrilled to take that I can barely contain myself.

Sometime in November, I sat at one of my coffee dates with Michelle and she said to me that she wanted to see me get involved in Student Affairs. Technically, this is where her job lies - she is the Office of Student Involvement Manager on our campus, and her boss is the Vice-Chancellor of Student Affairs. I hesitated at first, for Student Affairs had never really been on my radar, but I realized (after a weekend in Powell's Books reading books about student affairs and thinking) that the things I am most passionate about: getting students involved, making sure other people feel like they fit in, wanting to see the apathy of my generation go away; all of these things fit pretty well in Student Affairs. So I sat down with Michelle and we designed an internship to get me to learn more about Student Affairs.

In all honesty, I'm both excited and terrified (isn't that always how it is?). I'm really interested in learning more about Student Affairs as a career, but I'm afraid that my tendency to over-commit is going to hurt me a lot. Mostly, I'm afraid that I will let Michelle down, and I don't think that I could live with myself if that were to happen. The more I think about it, the more scared I get, so I try not to think about it, but the fear is still there.

Also happening this semester, besides my very first Creative Writing course ever, which I am incredibly excited for, is me figuring out what happens next. Technically, I could graduate in May. All I would have to do is fill out the paperwork - but I'm not ready. I'm not satisfied with the degree that I would be getting, and I don't feel like my time at my university is done, so I'll be working this semester on what that means. I think I've got an idea of what it means, but I'm not completely sure yet.

All in all, the entire semester is going to be full of new starts. The student government election also happens, and as campaign manager for the best ticket out there, there will be a lot going on in my life. Hopefully, come May, I'll be as satisfied with this semester as I am with the last one.