It is midterms around here, and my stress level has gone through the roof. I'm probably going to be sick in the next week or so: I can see it coming.

Also coming up is the finalization of my application to the Peace Corps. I'm waiting on one last recommendation letter, from the woman who has helped me change a lot in the last year, and who I will always admire; and after that all I have to do is the essays.

The essays. The hardest part. "Why do you want to be in the Peace Corps?" ...In order to answer this, it means I would have to know the answer.

It's not that I don't know, I guess. I mean, I know that I want to experience a culture completely different from my own (for more than five days), I know that I want to devote my time to helping people that aren't getting the same opportunities that I am because they were born in a different country, and I know that I believe in a lot of the ideals of the Peace Corps and the way that they are doing things...but is that enough?

It's not as if I just suddenly decided to apply for the Peace Corps. The idea has been running around in my brain for at least all of my college career, if not before that. I actually considered applying after I got my Associate's Degree, but I hadn't had enough experience with certain things to be eligible (which I found strange, though that is a completely different story).

Honestly? I'm terrified, and maybe that is why I can't seem to put these essay answers together. I'm afraid that they will tell me no, that if I do get accepted I'll freak out before I even leave, that if I don't freak out and I make it there I will hate wherever they send me. I do this with everything - I even did it with the Kenya trip. I over-analyze, over-think and freak myself out before anything has even happened, and while I can acknowledge that I'm doing it, that doesn't mean I stop doing it.

Maybe I'm not ready. I'm still learning a lot about myself, and at 21 I feel like I'm just getting to really know me. This year is the first year that I've actually felt like I'm where I am supposed to be since I don't even know when, and I'm scared to screw that up. Although, joining the Peace Corps could help me learn even more about myself.

This is not the time to be freaking out about this. I'll turn in the application and see where it goes, but I have got to focus on school. If I don't finish school, I can't go anywhere, so that's going to have to be my focus.

We'll see how long that lasts.

I think I know what I want, and for about five minutes at a time, I usually do.

I thought the trip to Kenya solidified my desire to be involved in Child and Maternal Health. It certainly solidified my interest in Womens Rights, particularly for those women that aren't lucky enough to have the kind of rights that I do. While I was sure that it also set my future in Midwifery in motion, I'm not so sure anymore.

This semester I am taking a class on Political Parties and Interest Groups in the United States, and this weekend I started reading a chapter on nominations and campaigns and how they affect parties. The part that got to me though was the campaigns. For a number of years I have been pretty sure that I want to be involved in politics in some way, and I think that campaigns is my way, but my problem is that I don't really know. I don't really know because I can't seem to determine where I want to go in life. It's pretty frustrating.

I'm sort of at a crossroads. I am supposed to graduate in the spring. I need to decide where I am going next, but I can't make up my mind. I know that I don't want to go right in to grad school, but where do I go instead? Do I finish my application for the Peace Corps? Do I start applying for jobs? When do I start applying for jobs? The questions are endless and the decision seems so close. How do I determine which path I take next?

Thank You, ONE.

It's a pretty intense thing when you realize that one person or one thing has changed your life. I have gone through a number of changes since I started college three years ago, and as I look back, I can see that ONE has had a lot to do with that. ONE got me involved on my campus and involved in the lives of others but more than that, it completely changed my outlook on life.

The last three years have been a slow progression of me learning about me, determining my beliefs and ideals, and the beginnings of me delving in to politics and all that comes with that. The last month, however, has been another pretty thorough examination of some of my beliefs as well as what I want to do with my life.

On July 25, I left Dulles International Airport equipped with all of the information I could need, an army of friends and colleagues, and scared to death. I had no idea what Kenya would be like, no idea what I would learn, and while I had met the ONE Staff were were joining in Kenya before, I barely remembered them and, to be honest, ONE Staff kind of scares the crap out of me. I would give anything to be as smart and talented as the people in that office.

Kenya was an extraordinary experience for me, and when I arrived home on August 2, my brain was so full I could barely pull together the pieces to tell the stories. I think my family still has no idea what I did in Kenya.

The five of us were back in DC this week for trip debriefing and basic project prep (as well as Campus Outreach Ambassador (COA) training), and I was really sad to leave on Friday morning. We learned a lot; got to talk a little more policy (always one of my favorite things), start to really think about our projects, and when 6 of the other COA's joined us for training, we were able to really explore the Campus Challenge and delve in to what we would love to see happen this year on college campuses across the country.

We held a Brown Bag Lunch for the ONE Staff, where we got to talk all about Kenya, what we learned there and even the fun things we did. It was a complete honor for us when we realized that David Lane, CEO of ONE, had come in the back door of the conference room and sat down on the floor because he wanted to hear about our trip just as much as the rest of the ONE Staff did.

While everything we did and learned over the past two days was great, my fondest memory will most definitely be of being in the office and experiencing the staff. To tell you the truth, most of them still intimidate the heck out of me, and I'm sure some of them are thrilled that we're no longer running around the office distracting everyone, but it is my hope that everyone we encountered in the last two days know how much it means to me, to all of us, that we were able to sit down and talk to anyone that was willing and had the time to answer our endless array of questions.

ONE has really changed me. As my knowledge of ONE's issues continues to grow, I get more and more comfortable with myself and my ability as an advocate. It's a great feeling, and I hope that every intern, COA and Campus Leader gets to feel the way that I do about ONE.

So thank you, to all of you. To Chandler, for helping us communicate well. To Christopher, for being a wonderful source of laughter and a fantastic Field Organizer. To Lisa, for letting us pepper you with questions and for sending them flying back. To Maura, for putting up with us no matter how crazy we got, and for always managing to have a smile on your face. To Josh, for the DATA. To Emily, for being our internet guru and someone we can always talk to. To Tyler, for being one of the greatest leaders I have known, and for that amazing sense of humor. To Nora, for enjoying our company and showing it, and for being one of the smartest people I have ever met. And to Maisie, for being our fearless leader, our OCC genius, and for always wanting to hear from us just as much as we want to hear from you.

It has been an honor and a privilege to have been a part of ONE thus far. I can't wait to continue my journey with the organization and see where it takes me.

Back to Reality

It has barely been four full days since I returned from Kenya, and I am already itching to return. I want their food, made out of natural things, instead of ours, which is made out of crap, and I want to sit under a beautiful tree with a beautiful person and talk about our lives. These are not things that can currently happen in Vancouver, WA.

This weekend I head for a student government retreat, and I'm not at all excited. People are being picky about their food, they are being petty about things that shouldn't matter - don't they realize how lucky they are? They have a bed to sleep in every night, food to eat every day, and they don't need to worry about whether walking outside after a certain hour will cause them harm. No one I know has to sell their body for food and shelter, in fact, most of their parents pay for all of that. And yet, nothing is really good enough, is it?

I've been catching myself thinking certain things. "There is no food in this house." "There is no way I'm going to be able to sleep with my brother and his friend talking through the wall." I always catch myself though. "There is plenty of food, just not much that you like. If you're really that hungry, you'll find something. How lucky are you to have all of this food at your disposal?" "At least they are in the next room. Imagine if they were in the same room, or even the same bed?"

Whenever people ask, "how was it?" I always beam and tell them my trip was amazing. And it was. It was epic, amazing, informative, scary, thrilling....and far too short. There is so much more that I want to learn. I want to talk to the people in parliament, I want to meet young women who are able to attend University, I want to spend more time with the women in Kibera. I miss my friends, the ones that I spent ten days with and the ones that I met only once, the women and men that shared their lives with me in Nairobi, Kisumu, Machakos, Nakuru and Kibera.

Is it so much to ask that U.S. Citizens stop taking what they have for granted? It has been hard for me to want to get on the computer, answer my phone, or eat with my family. I just can't seem to wrap my head around certain things that I saw, and I can't seem to make myself connect again with this world I live in. I heard it was going to be hard to adjust, but I didn't guess it would be this hard.

Holding A Hand On The Other Side of the World

I've never missed a location so much in my 21 years. I suppose it isn't just the location, it is the people I met, the folks I was with; the things that I learned. I hadn't even arrived home yet and I wanted to turn around and go back.

The last couple of days have been tough for me. Not only have I missed Kenya, I've been going through somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. I received bad news when I got off the plane, and a potential friendship has disintegrated in front of my eyes. Yet, I hit my highs when I think about Kenya, and I can't seem to stop grinning. I met such beautiful people and experienced such amazing things; I will never forget this trip.


I've got a lot of thinking to do, and not much time to do it in. How do I use the things that I learned and the stories that I heard to get others involved on my campus? How do I share my experiences without getting upset when people try to compare their trips abroad to mine? Will I ever be able to wrap my head around everything, or will the thoughts keep bouncing off the walls of my overpacked brain?

Our last day in Kenya was spent in Kibera, which was certainly an experience. The group broke up a little, and I spent the day with Binti Pamoja, a womens center for young girls in Kibera. They were putting together an event for the parents, so Nora and I helped them set up a bit for that, but mostly we just learned about the program and asked questions about Kibera. I talked with some girls about what it is like to live in Kibera (“You're born in Kibera, you get married in Kibera, you die in Kibera.”) and some of them talked with me about the 2007 Election and the violence that occurred, which hit Kibera pretty hard. I heard about 2 and 5 year olds that were raped, girls too young to care for themselves that were having children, and bribes from the police that caused both young women and men to do things they never expected they would do.

It's all I can do to keep myself in Vancouver right now. Certain things scare me; I'm a bit of a chicken when it comes to traveling and living in a place that is new to me, but I can feel myself finding the courage within to be someone that helps the women of the world find their potential and grow to be proud of themselves. It's something I'm learning to do on my own, and there's no better way to do something than while holding someone else's hand. Even if that hand is on the other side of the world.

A Meeting of Amazing Minds

Friday, July 31, 2009

I can barely throw my thoughts together. It’s our last night in Kenya, and we’ve just wrapped up an intense and amazing dinner. I was joined by Joshua Wanyama, a Kenyan entrepreneur and blogger, as well as a TED Fellow; Nyokabi Musila, also a blogger, with an interest in public health; Anzetse Were, Program Director for Allavida and author of “Drivers of Violence;” Sejo, whose last name and occupation I missed; Laura Dimon; Tyler Denton and Maura Daley, which led to plenty of interesting discussions - most of which I am still trying to wrap my head around.

Our conversations ranged from what I thought about aid from developed countries to African countries, to how NGOs work in Kenya. We discussed women, and how they are actually becoming more empowered in Kenya than men, because men are no longer considered the head of households or the breadwinner because the women do a lot of the work. I shared with Anzetse the biggest revelation I have had on this trip: not all aid is good aid. It’s not all as sufficient as we might think it is, and it isn’t necessarily that the aid isn’t getting to people because of corrupt governments, it’s that the aid developed countries are giving to countries like Kenya either isn’t enough, so they can’t get ahead, or it isn’t the aid they need, in the right area.

In all honesty, the conversation was pretty intimidating for me. When I’m on my campus or at home I feel like I know a lot, but next to the amazing Kenyans I was sitting with, I felt as if I knew nothing. I don’t think I’ve had that much trouble jumping into a conversation in a long time.

All in all, this trip has been amazing. When I arrive home and have had time to wrap my head around everything, you will hear from me again. Until then, thanks for reading.

To the Women of Kenya:

May you always be maridadi; beautiful.
May you always be the strongest women I have ever met.
May your voices rise above all of the others.
May you forever give birth without pain drugs and continue to be stronger than your white counter parts.
May the water jugs always balance on your head.
May your babies outlive you.
May your children be grateful.
May your husband love you; your in-laws welcome you; your community worship you.
May you never get HIV/AIDS and pass it on to your children unknowingly.
May you never again have to sell your body for food and shelter.
May you always look more beautiful working with your hands than sitting behind a desk.
May you always have a smile that brightens a room.
May you forever live in peace.
May your husband protect you, and may you know how to protect yourself.
May you always sell your fruits and vegetables.
May you always be kind and willing to share.
May you always be maridadi; beautiful.