The power of opening up.

Today was a pretty tough day for me.

Somewhere along the way, I learned or determined that it would be a good idea to stuff my feelings in to my stomach. I've been doing it for years, and it usually occurs the same way. Something happens that affects me or hurts me, and instead of dealing with it then, I pretend like it didn't happen, or that I wasn't hurt. And I keep pretending - I pretend until one day, my body can't take it any more, and then I cry violent tears and hide in my writing or my books for a couple of days, and then I'm fine. Until the next thing.

You see, last semester I spent nearly every day with two very special, very important people. One of them is spending this semester interning for the New York State Legislature in Albany, NY, and the other is taking the semester off to take care of family. And while they should be doing these things, and I am proud of them and worried for them, I hate them. I hate them because they are all the way across the country, or unreachable via phone, and I can't do anything about it. So I hate them, even though I don't.

I've been pretending that I'm fine for a week or so now, and today I just - hit the breaking point. I don't feel like I can go in to Michelle's office (for complex me-related reasons), and I don't feel like I have anyone else. I ended up talking to a friend, but we disagree on the way to deal with things, so it didn't really help. So instead I caved and called my Dad to come pick me up when I was half-way home on the bus - I just didn't want to be alone any more.

We talked for a while, and it helped. I'm not completely better, but I do feel better now than I did a few hours ago. And I'm promising myself - and putting it in writing - that this won't be happening any more. I will talk about things instead, because I'm tired of feeling like this. So I'm making that change this semester too - be more open when things aren't okay. And stop feeling like people are going to run away from me when I tell them that I'm not okay. Because they aren't. You should meet the people that love me - they are the most amazing people on the planet. And why I haven't felt comfortable opening up to them, well...it's beyond me.